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Posts Tagged ‘Post Traumatic Stress Disorder’

It’s amazing how life turns out.  I never aspired to be a writer; yet I have written a book—a book that reveals my life during one of my darkest times. I questioned, Do I really want to do this? As you read on, you will find I was once one of the most closed off, emotionless people that ever lived! So who was I to write a book, sharing my deepest, most desperate emotions?

In my twenties, I studied psychology to see if I could figure things out—things that had happened to me in my life.  I wanted to figure out why the people involved did what they did.  To my dismay, I never completely figured this out.

After working hard to get a college education, I then became a business executive.   I excelled in this role until “The Great Darkness” entered my life.  All of a sudden, I had no interest in being involved with all the politics of corporate America anymore.  My eyes were opened to many truths that I now find unappealing.  I finally figured out the game, and I did not like what I saw.

I was thirty years old when the first waves of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder—my “Great Darkness”—began to appear.  I remember cooking something on the stove, and in the pan, I saw images from my past.  I do not recall exactly what I saw anymore … but it horrified me.  It was a memory of someone from the past who was no longer supposed to exist in my world.  That person was supposed to have been tucked away forever in the recesses of my mind, never to appear again.  The memory was something buried, and how dare it appear in a pan while I was quietly cooking and minding my own business?  For a few days, the experience shook me to the core.  But soon I repressed everything again and moved on.   Just work harder, do more, and don’t stop, and these things cannot enter your life because there will be no room.

By this time in my life I coped by trusting no one completely, except animals.   I was tough and showed little emotion.  Feelings were for sissies and weak people.    I had little regard for my emotions or anyone else’s.  People would say I was like a faucet.  I could turn things on and off.  They would ask me if I ever felt anything. Often, I could honestly say no.  No one knew why I was this way, not even me.  I thought I was strong, independent, and bordering on arrogant, if I had not already crossed that line.  I didn’t know myself anymore.  Looking back, I don’t think I would have wanted to know someone like me.

Today, my life is one of healing.  I can no longer do the type of work I used to do because I can’t play the games. I don’t have the energy, and I honestly cannot get passionate about selling things that others believe are so vital to the community and the world, when they are not.  In finding myself, I did not expect to lose my career and the identity of who I was as a professional, but I did.

The reality is, after what I have been through, my focus is now on helping others—helping others through their own Great Darkness and assisting them with resources and encouragement that I did not have.  I understand PTSD and how debilitating and life-altering it is once you become symptomatic.  The pain is searing and the losses are great.    So now, here I am—an author of a book that evolved from my own suffering, written with the intent of assisting others.  I am finally finding a passion in a career that was built on personal suffering … not self-glory … not being a top sales person … not producing like a maniac … but by suffering and being led by the glory of God so that maybe I can help others.

As an endnote: I was confused about what to do with this blog.  Why have it?  What is the goal?  Will it be effective?  Why bother?  Then it came to me that all we need to do is communicate.  Nothing fancy, nothing packaged, no agenda.  Just open, honest communication about what you are feeling.  Let’s communicate, and maybe I can be a flicker of light in the darkness for you.  It’s that simple … we will listen to each other and keep those of you suffering with PTSD (and this still includes me on many days) focused on the fact that there is hope; there is help.

So use this forum to share your pain, your hopes, and what you do that helps during your symptomatic times.  Know that those who participate in this forum will always be here to listen.

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